Prayers through gritted teeth

I love Christmas and everything that goes with it. The tree. Wrapping presents. The music. The parties. The merriment. And now that Meg's here, this year I've been thinking a lot about traditions and which ones we'll want to create with her. I was even all geared up to get an Advent wreath and start doing readings every night by candlelight. I really wanted to get past all the hoopla and focus on what this season means and be thankful for all that we have.

But instead, I'm totally bah humbug at this point. I am weary. I just yelled at George while we were trying (unsuccessfully) to order a few gifts online. I feel so much pressure to get it right, to be present. There are gifts piled in the corner awaiting my special gift wrapping, but my stomach aches again and all I want to do is curl up in bed and go to sleep.

We have fought the past week with a nasty virus that claimed us all one at a time. First Meg, then George, and then me. We lost a whole week of work and shopping and missed two Christmas parties while we sat at home sick. No merriment here. It was hard; it was messy. And now, with one week to go before we start traveling for Christmas, I'm just tired and ready for it all to be over.

Last week before the sickness hit full force, I sat in a doctor's waiting room as an (inexperienced?) orthopedic resident told me that I'd have to have surgery on my hand. Backstory: The week before, I had cut open my hand with a kitchen knife trying to open a toy. I knew at the time I shouldn't be doing it, but you know. Stupid, stupid. A couple of shots and a stitch later, I bravely ignored the numbness in my thumb that the nurse said would go away. A week later, it was still there, hence the trip to the hand specialist (yes, they exist), and the knowledge that I had possibly cut a nerve. I was frustrated at my stupid action. I was nervous about the money. I was freaking out about how we could swing all that. Finally the doctor came in and said the nerve damage wasn't too bad, wait a few weeks and see what happens. Crisis averted for the moment. Thank you, Lord.

Through the past few weeks, I've been trying to focus on being thankful, asking God to open my eyes.

Lord have mercy.

Christ have mercy.

And I am. I really am. I am SO thankful.

Soundtrack: Andrew Peterson, "Behold the Lamb of God"